I remember drawing pictures of horses for hours in my bedroom and only the best ones making it on my wall. I still remember the ultimate dream horse I had hoped of owning one day, a chestnut Quarter Horse with a star and a half cannon on all four legs :sigh: My future was so promising.
As we all know, change is part of life, and my life is no different from the average human beings. I never did get that dream horse. I did try but no matter how many "deals" I cut with my parents, or how many promises I made to myself, it never did happen. As I got older, the dream of owning a horse transformed into the absolute to own my own car. With the added importance of friends, sports, and boys my free time and day dreams were taken care of.
The next time I got on a horse was in my freshmen year of college. On a whim I signed up for a semester long course; I didn't make it past the first day. The course took place in an indoor arena in the middle of winter. The barn staff was not very helpful and I don't think they even knew which horses were being used in the lesson. My accident happened when I was in mid hoist, one foot in the stirrup and one hand on the reins, no real control and no one holding the hose for me, when my horse was spooked from some falling snow. I had dropped my reins but managed to stay on by holding the saddle and gripping with my one strapped leg. I was able to stay on the horse until one final buck launched me off and into the wall of the indoor arena. I was able to walk away with some minor injuries, but my mental state was very much weakened.
I've had a few more injuries since that day at the barn, not all from riding, but I have noticed that with age and injury, I have become more cautious and wary of potentially harmful situations. This is a new trait that I am not crazy about. Since becoming more cautious I have also grown to be more doubtful of myself and my body and recently, I have felt some of that doubt seeping into my non-athletic endeavors. Not a good thing.
In the past, I was never worried or fearful of challenges; I'm sure some of it was attributed to being a little naive, but still, I enjoyed pushing ahead and would always believe in myself even if it was in the simple belief of having fun in that moment. This January, I made the resolution to be active in fighting off the fear and doubt that has been slipping into my lifestyle. Though it feels strange to be spending time on an issue that I have never had to spend time on in the past, I know that facing this problem now will pay out in the long run. Like I said, it may be age, experience, and injury that has aided in my questioning, but regardless of how or why it started, I know that there is more to life than second guessing.
I got to work right away on my resolution. I sat down one day and made a list of all situations and activities I was worried about or no longer felt confident in. At the top of the list was horseback riding. Being New Years and all, I got online that day and signed up for my first horseback riding lesson in over six years. It was exhilarating. Everything felt good. I talked up the riding class to all my friends. I enjoyed the feeling of the exclamations I received from my onlookers. "Wow. I don't think I could do that." and "I wish I could ride." I was all ready to go until the first day my class went to the barn.
Me and my classmates never actually got on a house that first day, but as we toured the facilities, I could feel myself shaking, literally, in my boots. I could not remember the feeling I once had towards the horses and kept a good distance between myself and my four legged friends of old. Sure the sweaty palms and shaking knees could have been from excitement, but I'm pretty sure I was completely freaking out inside. As the class left the barn for the day, knowing we would be back to ride, I secretly thought that maybe I could just drop the class to say I was focusing on my research; People would believe that, right?
I didn't drop the class. I was scared to go back but I stayed with it. My first lesson did not go well, and I was not sold. I will repeat again, that I stuck with it. Even when I was on the verge of tears that first day of riding. I found myself standing in the middle of the arena as my instructor got my finicky horse under control. I had stayed on for a total of one minute before I was asked to hop off again. So there I stood in the middle of the ring for the first few minutes of class while everyone else rode in circles around me. I felt super awkward when I got back on my horse, and I'm sure the horse could sense it too. It was frustrating, mostly because I knew I had been able to do this at one point in my life and at that moment, the experience felt alien.
My return was not instant, it did take a couple difficult classes before everything clicked. It was my third lesson and I was late getting to the barn that day. I tacked up my horse as fast as I could, making it to the ring just in time for the start of the lesson. Since that day of being so rushed that I forgot to get nervous, my fears of bucking, biting, kicking, of falling off and tearing my legs apart, did not have a chance to percolate into my experience. The term ended with zero injuries on my side and a return to an old love. As my confidence grew, my riding ability and the way the horse would respond to my commands improved. On the day we started to canter, I was the first one up to try. It took a moment to catch on but once I was in that motion, I connected back how much I loved to ride at that pace. It's super fun!
I've continued my lessons into the summer session, improving my technique and looking forward to pushing myself towards jumping again.There is a lot to be said for self motivation but a large portion of my comfort with riding again has to be attributed to the amazing barn staff. They where available when I needed help and worked with the level that I, mentally, was able to ride at. Not all barns are like this, so I feel very fortunate to have worked with the people and horses that I did.
Trying new things and taking a step into the unknown seems to be what is recomended the most, and I agree; new experiences are often times the most frightening and a good way to gain confidence without reliving difficult moments. I guess what I wanted to share, was the importance of reliving the past and giving something a second chance. We all grow up and forget. I know that my younger self would never forgive me if I had truly given up horseback riding. For my older self, the experience of rekindling a lost love has helped me reconnect with some of my confidence and understanding the importance overcoming personal challenges.
I can now say; here's to you, kid!
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